closure

i need to go back there.

i have to go back.

i haven't been back since the day danny left. i think that's one of the reasons i have such a hard time. i left so fast. i never went back. i had to go down another hall while they took him out. i didn't want to see it. i didn't want to believe it. i still don't. i can't even admit that he's d.e.a.d. see, i can't even say it. i have to spell it out.

i still believe all our things are still in our apartment. i so badly want to go back and see where our short time together started. we loved it there. i want to go for a walk down the path we took every saturday morning. i want to feed the meter in the parking lot where i would wait for danny to get out of class-i want to see the doors he would come out of every friday at 2:05 and put his arms in the air and wave his hands frantically at me like a dork.

i miss him. i know he loves me. i know he wants me to live and not just exist.

i need closure. not sure going to back there would give me that or make it worse.

i just want to go back.

Uh, Family Pictures?

Yes, this pumpkin has problems. But, I had to try and at least make it look like a jack-o-lantern.

Jack loves climbing on Danny's stone. He's all, "Mom! Look at me! I cool!"

I took this picture right as he dropped the paintbrush on the floor. Love his expression...Oh Crap, I'm in trouble!!

Uh, this is the "Daddy Pumpkin"

Jack wanted to paint the entire thing. He wanted to make it shiny.

I was told that today was going to be the only nice day this week. It's supposed to snow tomorrow...supposedly. I had a screaming headache but I just knew we had to go to the cemetery to change out Danny's flowers ( I know I know, I'm the best wife ever! I just tell myself it's the least I can do since he's busting his butt building me my mansion in the sky....riiiight....he totally hired it out. But, I'm totally sure he's right there making sure it's done right.) Anyway, I never get any pictures of me and Jack. So, today I decided to bust out the timer on the camera. At first, Jack thought I was playing a game when I would run to Danny's stone. So, he would run around the stone and I would be trying to grab him when the camera would go off....thus, taking a picture of my bum! Finally, I got him to understand. After a couple pictures Jack said, "We taking family pictures!" I could not stop laughing. And it hurts for me to laugh. I ended up having a coughing attack. It was just so funny.

These are just some random pictures of Jack from when we were visiting my parents several weeks ago.

I Do Realize...

that I'm a little behind. I have a good excuse...swine flu. Yeah, that's right. Swine flu. Jack and I went down to Las Vegas to avoid the outbreak in Utah only to get it in Vegas. I have the worst luck. I started getting sick on a Saturday during a walk with Jack. I decided to leave that day because it's just always nice to be in your own bed when you're sick. On Sunday, I felt a little better. On Monday, I thought, "Oh, this was just some little head cold. No biggie." Wrong! On Tuesday, I told myself that if this flu didn't kill me I would take care of it myself. Yes, it's that bad. My sister in law, Erin, was so great and skipped class to watch Jack so I could go to the doctor. She ended up watching him for most of the day. Thank you, Erin. It was so good to get some uninterrupted sleep. The good news is that I feel better than I did a week ago. The bad news is that the symptoms usually last up to 3 weeks. The coughing is exhausting. The headaches are cringing. And I'm afraid if I blow my nose one more time it's going to come off. Sick, I know. Luckily, Jack has been a trooper. He will lay down with me and rub my back. He sings me songs about me getting better...he's a few lyrics, "mommy, get better. you are my hunshine (sunshine). I don't like it when you are sick. Go to doctor and take your eddison (medicine). I love you, mommy. You are my gurl." They don't make them any better than that!

Anyway-Vegas! We had fun up until we got sick. They put Jack to work right away! He helped Grandpa throw all the weeds in the trash and helped scrub Grammy's floor. He kept asking for "Jack's sprayer!" He's a funny kid. Oh, and I can't forget about Mario Karts! OH MY GOSH!! He just wants to sit and watch someone play. He has to be Bowser every time and only wants the "hot" (the car with flames) car. Whenever Aunt Kaity was doing her homework, Jack insisted on doing his too.

Grandpa took him to the pumpkin patch. It was pretty cool. They had several rides just for the little kids. Jack loved it.

-lovin on Gracie

-Mario Karts

-cleaning the floors

-One of Danny's old outfits. So cute!

Me: Jack, where is daddy?
Jack: (pointing to a picture) Right there.
Me: Well, that's a picture of him. But, where does daddy live?
Jack: In heaven with Jesus.
Me: That's right. Do you want to see your daddy again and live with him?
Jack: YES!!! And mommy, daddy and Jack can live together and play!
Me: Yeah, that will be so much fun.
Jack: And we can play dinosaurs and we can play hotwheels and we can play monsters!
Me: Yep, we can play all of those things.
Jack: Okay, let's go. Let's do it.
Me: Well, there are some things we need to do before we can see daddy again. We have to go to church and do all the things Heavenly Father wants us to do. We also have to be kind to our family and friends. You can't fight with your cousins. You have to learn to share and....

Jack cuts me off before I can finish.

Jack: MOM! I don't want to see daddy again.

Apparently, it's not worth it to see his daddy again if he has to share.

I have a long road ahead of me with this little boy. Wish me luck!

The Things He Says

If you know Jack you know he loves loves loves to wear jammies. Personally, I think it's hilarious. It drives everyone else nuts. The only time he has no problems putting clothes on is when we go to church.

Here is my mom's attempt to get Jack to put his clothes on.

Nana: You have to put your clothes on, Jack. We're going to the store.
Jack: No, I just wear my jammies.
Nana: No, you have to put clothes on. The sign on the door says no jammies allowed.
Jack: No, the sign says no clothes forever!

Jack went to the movie theater for the very first time yesterday. We watched Toy Story & Toy Story 2 in 3-D. He loved it! He would get restless every now and then. But, he did great! It's good to know we can go see a movie together. I have been waiting a long time. I haven't been to the movies since January 16, 2006. Danny and I loved going and would go once a week. I decided my first time back would be with Jack. So glad I waited. This little boy is hilarious! I pretty much just sat there and watched him the entire time.